Because I said so.

So once again the year is coming to an end, the days have shortened, leaves have fallen and Thanksgiving is around the corner…
It has been a great year so far, in my book. Great in that it was full, intense, purposeful and connected. Full: oh boy… was it, ever ! And I’m not done yet ! Intense: yes, but that is pretty much the norm for me… no boredom, let me tell you. Purposeful: it has been, and I have the feeling that it will only get more so. Connected: world wide networking and one on one relationships, both were part of my daily focus this year. A great year.
Many things were dealt with, many gifts were received, and a few days ago, after getting on its way to completion a long time project very dear to my heart (overwhelmingly so), I pondered.

I had promised to myself months ago, that I would take care of it before the end of this year. Months flew by. I kept thinking about it. Lots on my plate, one thing after another, I plowed away. My birthday came around again, and October ended. Then, about 2 weeks ago, I could muster the strength, the joy, the energy that I needed to take care of that particular project. And I did. Now it is following its own course as my part in it is done. Working on it was poignant, sad, and stirring, as well as joyful, and exciting… It was exhausting. But rejuvenating as well, in an odd kind of way. And instead of going through the motions and “get it done”, I took the time to stop and feel all the emotions that were connected to it, including some deep grieving that I had more or less put on hold for several years. Over all, now, I feel in order, I can feel lighter and give myself some credit.

A thing bringing to another, I looked back at these 11 months behind me and all that I had actually got done, accomplished, finalized, or put on rails, during this year, and it encompassed most of what I had decided to tackle in 2012. Not alone, mind you ! I knew I would need serendipity, luck, good fortune, Universal benevolence and all my human connections to help me through. And I am so grateful all of them were on my side exactly when I needed them…
But mostly what fueled my actions was Purpose. Vision. Desire. And Resolve.
I try not to take too many commitments or resolutions at once, because I know I will do everything in my power to carry them through and I don’t want to hurt myself in the process. I also know how good it feels to look back and see that I honored my word, and that helps from the start.

The great reward, beside what has been effectively accomplished: I can, for a moment, give myself absolute approval. Do you know how much we all crave approval ? Consciously or not, we all do. And though few of us are aware of it, what we miss the most is our own Appreciation and Self Esteem. Without these, we miss something essential in all our relations to the world and others. Without them we are starving, hollow, never satiated. It seems self centered at first and nobody wants to be perceived as such. But really, it is true that when we learn to give ourselves support, respect, trust, esteem and approval, we do live a better life, and we simply become better persons to be around. Very naturally, all this glorious positiveness automatically pervades everything, and gives us a safe emotional platform, so to speak, from which we can take Life on, with more strength and more gentleness at once.

When I make all the steps necessary to keep a promise made to myself, I relay on my self confidence and my desire to honor my word; then in return, when I reach completion, it  feels me with good feelings about myself… which is something I can relay on… for another project,  resolution… or any kind of growth. It will also permit me to take better decisions and to not be hard on myself when I do not reach my goals, because I know I gave it my best, and that sometimes the wise thing to do is letting go.

Though we are not alone, and should always be aware of it, to not hurt, to be of use, as well as to ask for help when needed, I also realized, somewhere along the path, that it was crucial to acquire and practice strong emotional self reliance.

Emotional self reliance. It doesn’t mean I can’t share emotions or feelings. It doesn’t mean other people can’t reach me. It means that no matter what happens in my life, I am able to find in myself what it takes to not loose my sanity, to not fall into despair, to not loose myself in anger or in depression, to reach my goals, to be responsible for my happiness, for my sense of self, for my peace, to be serene, to be reliable… all because of that stable compass, deep inside, on which I can always count. Self Love, in brief. As in universal love, unconditional love.

And of course, it is an ongoing process. Of course there are days when I’m bitching, moaning, snapping, self depreciating or generally over reacting… but you see, the more I go and the more I get accomplished smoothly, and the more I appreciate it, and the easiest it becomes… So I must have been doing something right, because I remember having to struggle a lot more and being a lot more bitter and unsatisfied… Wait… maybe that’s the gold in aging ?

At any rate… I feel proud of myself for now. And I hope you give yourself this wonderful gift every time you are true to your word: a moment of pure appreciation for yourself, simple, unadulterated loving recognition for a job well done or for a decision kept… because if you do, you know what I am talking about. And you can pass it on…

More later…

 


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